Silence
by Lanie M
Summary: [shounen ai, MitKo] Mitsui's thoughts and emotions as he watches Kogure leave.


~* Dedicated to mitchan ^_^ 

SILENCE

I watch the stains of beer trickling in slow motion down the concrete wall opposite me, the shrill echoing of smashing glass still ringing in my ears.  

A part of me wishes that the glass from the bottle had cut me first, that the bottle had smashed before leaving my hand in that moment of bursting rage.

My head throbs and my vision spins.  I close my eyes and crouch down, hard, strained breaths escaping me forcefully.

Maybe if I lie down now, I might be able to fool myself into feeling dead.

I stood opposite him.  The crowds filed around us, ecstatic wails and high-spirited exclamations draining our hearing.

Yet I could still hear his every breath hanging in the air.

I watched him bite his lip but when he looked up at me, I immediately averted my gaze onto the platform ground.

"Where are the others?" I asked.

I heard a vague, soft laugh drifting along with the wind.  That laugh, that familiar laugh that belonged to no other than him – but only this time it wasn't half as loud, it wasn't half as full of energy or inspiration.  

"They sent me off yesterday." he replied.

I wanted to ask him why I was the only one sending him off today, but I kept silent.

"It doesn't matter," he continued slowly, more to himself than to me.  "as long as you're here, Mitsui."

My eyes met with his as a slight smile materialized upon his features somewhat sadly.  The aura of sadness didn't disappear when he raised his fingers to his face and gave his glasses a weak push.  

All this seemed to happen in slow motion to me.  Deep inside I wanted to step forward and take him in my arms, hold onto his gentle, mild-scented body and never let go.

But I only stared on, suppressing the life-threatening desperation that was suffocating me.

Why did the news of his departure send such fervent shockwaves through me?  Everything in my life had been left in ruins long ago.  What damage would it do to lose one more thing that I actually thought was important?  One more thing that I actually thought meant something, that I actually believed in and held onto in times of apocalyptic despair? What damage would it cause?  What would it matter?

I almost let out a scoff.  What was I thinking? That it would last forever? That my years at Shohoku, that my years in his presence, that everything would last forever?  That everything would stay the same?  

Stupid.  I was just stupid.  Stupid to still believe in a chance that some things would last forever, stupid to think that things would ever get better.

Stupid to fall into believing that simply being with him would last forever in the permanently damned state of my life.  Stupid.

But yet … I knew that this stupidity was my source of survival.

He was my source of survival.

"Kogure.."I said.

His gaze locked with mine in an unrecognizable expression that I couldn't read.  

And in one split second I remembered the first time I saw him, the first time I heard his voice, the first time I touched him.  I remembered that empty time in my life without him; I remembered the pain of not hearing his voice, of not feeling his touch.  And I remembered how he brought me away from darkness, back into light.  In that split second, I remembered everything.

I didn't know what all of this meant.  Or maybe I did.  It didn't matter.  

How long had it been?  I couldn't remember.  Did it matter?  To me it didn't.  

To me it didn't matter that he was a guy, that he had more ambition that me, that he had more dreams than me, that he had more of a future than me.

Because to me he was my ambition, he was my dream, he was my future.  

He was Kogure Kiminobu, who just happened to be a guy.  

Somewhere, somehow, I could feel that a clock had begun to tick.

And there he was, with his tired and faded eyes, his loose-cropped fringe, his frail and slender fingers … his ever glowing, ever forgiving smile.

And suddenly I knew, with an unshakable type of certainty, that if it were to be the end of the world, his would be the last face that I wanted to see.

When the loudspeakers boomed throughout the station, announcing the coming of what I dreaded more than ever, I knew that it was too late.

I could feel seconds pushing in on me, fate snickering and nudging me mockingly – but … I couldn't say a thing.

"What…" I thought I heard a faint trembling in his words.  "what did you want to say?"

Stay.  Stay here with me.  Please.  I don't guarantee that I can make you happy, but I guarantee you that I'll try.

Stay with me.  Because I …

I think I - love - you.

I don't know why I did it.  But I shook my head and said nothing.

Something flashed across his eyes which made my heart tear irreplaceably in two.

"Okay well… I have to go now."

I nodded.  He walked towards me and extended his hand.

Shocks of something very much like electricity still ran through my fingers when we touched.  I tried to force myself to open my mouth, but still I stood there, silent and paralyzed.

And when I finally did bring myself to speak: "Good luck over there, Kogure.  Come back to Japan sometime."

Stupid.  Incurably stupid.

And I watched in silence as he turned and stepped onto the train, as he sat down in his seat and stared out of the window.

I watched in silence as the train started to move gradually away.

I watched in silence as his eyes connected with mine again, as he raised his hand and waved.

But when I saw him smile for the last time …

I cried.

End 

Notes: MY FIRST NON-RUHANA FIC!!!!!! ^_________^ *bounces around and glomps everyone* yayyyyy!!!!

*laughs* I know that it was horrible ^_~" Gomen ne… but at least I tried.. I mean, all the fics I've written are RuHana and I didn't think there would ever be a day that I would write something else!!! ^.^ *high five* Yatta!!! I did it!!!

^_^ tee heee.. apart from being my only non-RuHana fic, it's also the shortest fic I've written so far .. and the one written in the smallest amount of time ^_^" eheh… for lack of plot and character development ^.^" *looks sheepish* But anyway… hahah ^_^ Enough of my ramblings…

Dedicated to mitchan, who loves MitKo as much as I love RuHana.. nyahahaha! ^.^ *huggles tight*

And a big thankyou to Ka, who helped me when I didn't know how to start the fic.. thankyou Ka! *flying glomps* ^_^

Till next time then~! And Merry Christmas in advance!

~Lanie~

21/12/2002


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